"To be the knife, as well as the wound."

I fall more an more in love with John Malkovich by the moment. I think I'm starting to believe he is the characters he portrays and not an actual man.

I wish I had the ability to listen more and talk less. I've been trying really hard lately, and it seems a constant failure. I miss not having a voice at times--as odd a thing to say as that really is. When I speak people listen. It was overwhelmingly empowering at first, but now it's grown old. In all of my speaking I've completely forgotten how much I used to learn by listening to what other people were saying and all of the things they weren't. But tomorrow's a new day, and I'll try again.

I spoke with a friend I've been losing contact with lately, last night. I had almost forgot how much she understands me. However, this is saddening. She understands me because she's so much like me and I almost feel as if I owe her an apology for that. I wonder a lot, if women like us are just doomed to be alone. Maybe, all of our reading has done nothing but ruin us. I believe I am ruined by books. I once vowed that I was going to stop living vicariously through text on a page and live my life instead--the words had barely escaped my thought when I quickly denounced them. Is that healthy, I wonder? We had a discussion of how completely soiled men and women have become and the more I think about it then more I realize that the death of modesty was the death of female safety, security and (not to mention) the American family. We got into this long winded discussion over technology and whether it was helping or hurting society--and as disheartening as it is to admit, it's hurting. She said, "Just because you can, doesn't mean you should." I couldn't have said it better myself.

We're dehumanizing human relations now and it's bordering on sickening. I go to one particularly tech-forward friend of mine's house and all she wants to do is for us to sit next to one another playing games on hand held devices or laptops as we type instead of talking to one another. No. I enjoy conversation, real conversation. I long for it. My soul aches for a real divine conversation everyday. But, I'm not pouring this tale out to someone over a cup of coffee, I'm sitting in front of my computer with a cigarette in my hand and a lump in my throat. Why would I rather see things in text than hear them in my own voice?

It really is a ridiculous cycle that we all perpetuate.

A hatred reserved for one.

By postponing the inevitable, we seem to bring about a faux surprise in the inevitable.


Realizations:

I will never know my father.
I will never be the daughter he loves, wants, and cherishes.
My father is happy without me, and only mildly guilty for the abandonment.
I have always been fine without him, I will continue to do so.

Choosing between choking, and spitting it all out.

Maybe I'm the one with the problem. Maybe, I don't like sex--I find that hard to believe, but it could be true--I suppose. I know that sex has a tendency of making me feel empty, and even if it was good sex--disappointed. Which is not an uncommon feeling when considering how many women I've spoken with about this sort of thing. Maybe the problem is that I'm an intellectual and words mean more to me than they should. But, I can't let go of simple amazing things people have said to me, that made me feel closer to them than I ever could through any kind of physical union. That one moment where you understand them, in their entirety. Which is an amazing thing! To really understand another person, so completely is practically a god send, it's an astounding accomplishment!
But, instead we have teenage girls who think that sex with the way to that cute boys heart, and in turn they're breaking their own because although I do not believe in monogamy--I do believe in being exclusive and careful of whom you choose to sleep with. I don't think that sex should be something as casual as a hand shake. But, we teach this--and we were all basically taught this. And then we wonder why marriages don't last, and why everything ends in separation--but when you think about how we base so much on sex, and how familiarity breeds contempt--it's a no brainer as to why these relationships don't last. Maybe, the truth is that we need to believe that sex is so important because of how much we've been told it merits through everything. In literature, sex is this completely spiritual enlightening experience--and it's so passionate and profound that the reader is overwhelmed with this idea of sex being the end-all of human experiences. In society, we're taught that the giving or selling of sex is perfectly okay (depending on the medium) and that it's not that big of a deal to be a complete hedonist, hedonism is fine and natural. In religion, we're taught that sexuality is something to be controlled because of the power it contains. We hand over power of ourselves to sex, and act as if this is not an act of cowardice.

Hmm...I think I just summed it up. We hand over the power of ourselves to an entity that we can blame, in this case--sexuality, for our own actions because of cowardice. In being afraid of taking responsibility for our own actions, we surrender all power over ourselves only to become complete cowards.

"Those girls are poison, and you're dying a slow death."

Who's the real asshole here?

Ick. It makes me sick to even think of it.

Left to my own devices.

It shouldn't be so difficult to be left with no one to talk to. I mean, sure, I could talk to anyone but at this very moment I need to talk with someone and there's no one to do that with. I need help, as usual. I seem to need that a lot. I'm beginning to realize that I'm not as independent or strong as I thought. At best I'm weak and good at acting. I don't know what to do. Everything is wrong. This is not the way things are supposed to be, not that I necessarily expected anything else.

"Better to die standing, than to live on your knees."

I sit here, with a lot of tabs open. Anarcho-syndicalism, Anarchism, Socialism, Ernesto Che Guevara, Jessica Mitford and this blog. I've spent the last few hours pouring over half a dozen different government systems, revolutionaries who died for causes that have yet to come into fulfillment, men and women that chose not to fight with the sword but the pen, arguments upon arguments as to why this system is better and this one is worse--through all of this--the only constant is that they all seem completely enraged by the fact that the rich continue to get richer as the poor continues to get poorer.

That's noble enough.

How is it that something starts so pure, but ends up being nothing but pure unbridled pride? Well, I suppose that greed is mixed in there somewhere as well. Pouring over all of this has raised more questions than answers, which is probably to be expected.

Che Guevara once said, "Let me say, at the risk of seeming ridiculous, that the true revolutionary is guided by great feelings of love." I agree with this, I find it hard to argue, actually. A man can not truly fight for a cause with all of himself, and commit his entire life to it unless he is guided by love. He has to have a love for the people he is trying to save, the issue he is trying to change, and the cause he is fighting for--otherwise he will inevitably fail. However, I believe that Che Guevara was guided, fully, by love and he still failed. Was he truly a revolutionary if he failed? And although he did fail, he's still idolized by millions who still dream of a day when his idea of society will be more than a dream, but the fight is over. No one's pushing forward with these ideas anymore, not to any extreme. That's the problem with everything. It seems that everything has already been tried and failed and what is really left? Is it really a lost cause not even worth fighting for anymore? Is it time to accept the world as it is, and that it can't be changed?

Maybe it's the lack of inspiration or motivation. The apathy plaguing everything, I am guilty of this myself, I've let apathy swallow me whole because it's easier. It's easy to be disheartened and just say, "I can't change anything I'm only one person." Do we not care enough about something to be able to live for it--or even more so that we're willing to die for it. Che Guevara also said, "I don't care if I fall, as long as someone else picks up my gun and keeps fighting." What happened to that mentality? Where did it go? Why is everyone so frustrated with wages, war, politics, religion, poverty, health care, pollution, and everything else but no one willing to actually do anything about it? Fear. We're afraid. We're living in a society that's supposed to be completely free, but we're so trapped by our own society. We've created a world that's supposed to be simpler, easier, better--but all we've done is create a world of a stressful cycle of greed, capitalism, and fascism--conform, conform, fucking conform. And if you don't--we have a problem. This inspires fear in most, because it's supposed to.

We're supposed to think we're free, but in reality be on a three foot leash. Fear of reproach and social stigma can be a powerful entity. There have been moments when I should have stood up and spoke my mind, but I didn't because I didn't want to be shunned for my line of thinking. Although, these days I think it would only take one person to stand up and really say what it is that's on your mind and I believe the rest would follow.

Nietzsche had the mentality that regardless who it was that was standing in the way of progress, should be exterminated--mainly I think it's a safe assumption that Nietzsche believed religion was the main entity hindering human progress. Che shared this belief, in stating "In fact, if Christ himself stood in my way I, like Nietzsche , would squish him like a worm."

The more I dwell on this the more I see that I should have stood up and said what I had to say when I was frightened that I wouldn't be accepted after. I think the others would have followed. So, I challenge all of you reading this--assuming anyone actually does--to say what's on your mind. Fuck stigma. Fuck reproach. Fuck condemnation. If you get enough hungry people together--you can start a revolution. I don't know about you, but looking around, I see a lot of people that are fucking starving.

"And I wonder, if I have anything to say anymore. Oh yeah, I wonder if I have anything to say except the masses, are asses." -L7

Last night, I was incredibly bored and having problems sleeping--that's nothing out of the ordinary. Well, I stumbled across this little snippet while watching interviews of Peter Steele. It's incredibly odd that he was on Rikki Lake, but that's completely beside the point. This woman had a chance to do something--that I would kill to do--and she didn't do it. She was sitting right next to this beautifully tortured soul, and all she could do is make wry comments and throw herself at him. This, of course, rubbed me the wrong way and it just made me think far too much about a far larger issue.

I want to live in a world where substance merits more than petty beauty. Of course there is beauty in substance, but I'm beginning to wonder if I'm the only one that sees it. Seriously. I would, by far, rather spend two hours completely engulfed in an interesting conversation with a physically unattractive person of intelligence, wisdom, and opinions than two hours making out, or what have you, with an attractive buffoon. Am I the only person that feels this way? A good friend of mine made a comment about how disgusting the Aghori were, after me talking about how much I admired them for a long while. They're disgusting because their culture sees everything as beautiful. In our culture, even the most natural of occurrences are vile--childbirth, menstruation, really anything involving bodily fluids is ugly, death, decay--these are all such natural human experiences and we've defiled them into minor inconveniences and taboos because we find them disagreeable. Or, perhaps we find them depressing or less than pleasant--and beauty has to be pleasant in our culture. Beauty is not always pleasant. Sometimes, beauty is downright disturbing and that is what makes it beautiful.
"Some beautiful things are more impressive when left imperfect than when too highly finished."