"To be the knife, as well as the wound."

I fall more an more in love with John Malkovich by the moment. I think I'm starting to believe he is the characters he portrays and not an actual man.

I wish I had the ability to listen more and talk less. I've been trying really hard lately, and it seems a constant failure. I miss not having a voice at times--as odd a thing to say as that really is. When I speak people listen. It was overwhelmingly empowering at first, but now it's grown old. In all of my speaking I've completely forgotten how much I used to learn by listening to what other people were saying and all of the things they weren't. But tomorrow's a new day, and I'll try again.

I spoke with a friend I've been losing contact with lately, last night. I had almost forgot how much she understands me. However, this is saddening. She understands me because she's so much like me and I almost feel as if I owe her an apology for that. I wonder a lot, if women like us are just doomed to be alone. Maybe, all of our reading has done nothing but ruin us. I believe I am ruined by books. I once vowed that I was going to stop living vicariously through text on a page and live my life instead--the words had barely escaped my thought when I quickly denounced them. Is that healthy, I wonder? We had a discussion of how completely soiled men and women have become and the more I think about it then more I realize that the death of modesty was the death of female safety, security and (not to mention) the American family. We got into this long winded discussion over technology and whether it was helping or hurting society--and as disheartening as it is to admit, it's hurting. She said, "Just because you can, doesn't mean you should." I couldn't have said it better myself.

We're dehumanizing human relations now and it's bordering on sickening. I go to one particularly tech-forward friend of mine's house and all she wants to do is for us to sit next to one another playing games on hand held devices or laptops as we type instead of talking to one another. No. I enjoy conversation, real conversation. I long for it. My soul aches for a real divine conversation everyday. But, I'm not pouring this tale out to someone over a cup of coffee, I'm sitting in front of my computer with a cigarette in my hand and a lump in my throat. Why would I rather see things in text than hear them in my own voice?

It really is a ridiculous cycle that we all perpetuate.